Lethargic Millennial Considers Exercise


Sources confirm that while FaceTime Audio-ing with her best friend Chelsea Fliegurt, 25, last night, 26 year old Heather Maddler stated out loud she would consider the process of starting to think about possibly exercising at some point.

“Heather had just ordered a medium pizza for herself when Chelsea called her on the way back from yoga class.” reported Maddler’s roommate Maria Santiago, 25.

“She literally devoured half of it- like half of the fucking pizza- during a commercial break while we were watching Homeward Bound on AMC.”

Across the apartment that evening Maddler could be heard making unprovoked statements such as:

  • “Whatever, I’m being a fat ass tonight,” followed by laughter.
  • “You know what, I don’t even care!”
  • And, “I’m not one of these bitches who can eat salad and air. I’m a real fucking woman. If I ever find a boyfriend… Whatever.”

Over the past seven months Santiago disclosed Maddler has been experiencing genuine bouts of complete and utter apathy, supplanted by episodes of self deprecating humour trying to mask the devastation she actually feels about her thighs. 

By the time Fliegurt called, Maddler had been wearing the same pair of Juicy sweatpants and a Syracuse University sweatshirt for the previous nineteen hours and twenty-three minutes.

Santiago reportedly tried convincing Maddler that the two of them could go to the gym together. She told her roommate, “It might be hard at first, but once you get into the groove of things your body will want it!”

What followed was a truly impressive slew of excuses from Maddler including, “I don’t know where my socks are,” and references to that painful feeling she gets in the back of her throat and ears when she has to even run for the bus.

It’s also been hypothesised that Maddler feels scared if she starts exercising she might want to stop smoking and getting blackout on weekends, and she wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. 

At the end of the conversation with Fliegurt, sources confirm Maddler conceded Spring is coming up soon and that she probably should start working out at some point. When asked if she wanted to go to the gym tomorrow Maddler insisted she was “unfortunately busy for the rest of the week, but maybe next Monday.”