How To Start The Morning Off Right:

1) 2AM, realize you look a bit pale for Spring and apply Neutrogena innocuous spray tan.

2) 8AM wake up to sound of jack hammering on roof.

3) 8:05-9AM Hang out with housemate until he leaves for work.

4) After his departure, look in mirror, realize you look like Stevie Wonder applied your self tan.

5) Strip down to panties, re-apply Neutrogena spray.

6) While you’re waiting for it to dry, decide “Why not do some squats in the meantime?”

7) Make this decision in your kitchen. In your underwear.

8) Begin squats.

9) Hear something testosterone driven outside kitchen window.

10) Remember the jack hammering. And that you’re on the top floor. And the concept of “window”.

11) Turn to see construction men on roof perpendicular to you, also enjoying your tanning/exercise routine.

12) Wave.

13) Saunter into bedroom. Write status. Pick out disguise to leave apartment for next five weeks.

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