This Just In: Literally, Everyone But You is Getting Married


Non-profit organization, Fingers Crossed, released an alarming report earlier this morning revealing that literally, everyone but you is getting married.


The New York Times just published the results of a poll taken by – seriously everybody – and survey data suggests that you are unequivocally the only single person you, and anyone remotely aware of your existence, knows. 

On a quest for answers about your current…”situation”…we tracked down some people from your past.

According to Sarah Kinstler, 25, that girl you sort of knew in high school (Whose engagement video was just put on Facebook, by the way. So cute.), “Yeah, it’s just kind of sad. Like she probably still goes out with her friends on their girl-nights but considers them “normal nights.”

Controlled studies have proven that you really should, at the very least, be in a really, really serious relationship by now. And if you’re going to flake out and do it the European way then you should be in the midst of buying a house or something life altering like that.

Your childhood best friend’s roommate from college, Ashley (Miller) DeRosa, 26, furrowed her brows trying to figure out what could be wrong with you. “I mean nothing astonishing stands out to me. Her arms aren’t completely toned but they’re not, you know, gross. I really don’t understand it”.

John DeRosa, 28, Ashley’s strikingly handsome husband of four months, caressed the small of her back as he shook his head, grimacing ever so slightly. “Sad” was all he could muster before looking into his wife’s…(God that’s still so weird to say!)… pretty eyes, lingering just long enough to remind her of their everlasting love.

What’s more, a survey from the National Institute Of Not Dying Alone displays alarming signs of public indifference to your current situation. Everyone either knows exactly why you’re single but feels like it’s your job to figure it out, or they are just too wrapped up in their own darn happiness to deal with the cloud of uncertainty you are currently bringing to the table.  On the other hand, several loving couples did bring up how much children really do love their “cool aunts”.

Eric Matthews, 27, your incredibly successful high school boyfriend who met his now fiancée on Twitter looked at the ceiling for a moment before didactidely sighing. “I just….I was scared this would happen. I had a feeling,” he said softly, without any further explanation whatsoever.

“It’s just frustrating to watch.” said a pretty good friend of yours you haven’t realized has been judging and pitying you for a while now. “[You’re] acting like its still last year, but it’s not. It’s an entirely. different. year. [You’re] behaving like these things take time but I mean…tell me who is going to date [you] if they know [you’ve] been this single this long?” She looked around for a moment before lowering her voice. “[You’re] going to be 30 some day!”

Your family declined to comment. They just wanted us to mention that Grandma isn’t getting any younger and it upsets her when you stay home on Friday nights.   

2 comments on “This Just In: Literally, Everyone But You is Getting Married
  1. I’m confused… Why are you saying it like it’s a bad thing?! Call me an asshole (or just someone who believes that numbers don’t lie) but money’s on you Nadler. In 5 years time when you’re a confident woman who knows who she is and has found a man who appreciates all that and has the world to offer you; at least half of your now young married friends will be going through their first divorce. My advice, stop worrying about finding a man. Find the woman you want to be and let a real man find you.

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